Beware of men carrying red flags

It’s the age of online dating, folks. It may not be fair to say that “everyone’s doing it,” but a lot of people certainly are. No longer are e-personals solely reserved for 40-year-old men still living with their mothers. As the stigma slowly fades, more and more people seem to be eagerly seeking the convenience and sense of control that online dating seems to offer. But as with many approaches to the mating and dating game, there are a few pitfalls too. So in the interest of weeding through the pervs and narcissists, here it is: my unofficial, unscientific guide to avoiding creeps in the world of online dating.

• A screenname, or handle, is one of the first things displayed on your profile. Screennames like texasboy23 or music_is_life are nice and neutral. Try to avoid guys with screennames such as hornyman2000, sex_u_up, or vaginamuncher (I swear this is one I actually came across once). Also steer clear of any guys with “pimp” in their handle. Seriously, if a guy can’t make something as simple as his screenname non-sexual, he probably thinks with something other than his brain.

• It’s always nice to see the goods before you test-drive them. A picture is a good way to decide whether or not there is attraction, because for better or for worse it does matter. Men who post pictures of themselves shirtless should be avoided at all costs. I don’t really care if you have great abs, and I don’t really want to see them. Actually, the fact that you have no humility whatsoever makes me want to beat you with sharp objects. Enough said.

• This could just be me, but I believe it should be a standard for all women. Men who post things in their profile description such as “I’m just a typical guy” or “I would describe myself as average” should not be allowed to stay within the realm of consideration. I’m certainly not looking for a guy who thinks he’s fan-freaking-tabulous, but who wants average? You might as well add “dull” and “mediocre” to the list for all I care. At least be interesting.

• Other eliminators include mustaches (because I don’t want to date you if you look like a porn star from 1972), men who insist on saying “baby” or “angel” a lot (you don’t know me, you have no right to shower cheesy endearments on me), and guys with barbed-wire or kanji symbol tattoos (this means you’re trendy, and would probably would have bought me trendy things like giga pets and beanie babies in 1997, and that’s just unoriginal).

At the very least, online dating can provide one with the opportunity to meet some interesting people. Just beware, because for every decent man, there may just be 4 other sex-obsessed, self-absorbed, hopelessly average men with tasteless tattoos waiting for your email.

26 and Single

As a single Christian woman of 26, people always want to know when I plan to get married. By the time my mother was 26, she had been married for several years. By the time she was 27, she had me. I know that when I went off to my school, a Christian college, everyone thought that I was going to leave with two things: A degree and a husband. One out of two isn’t bad, but to be fair, if it were a letter grade, it would be an F.

The problem with being a single Christian woman over the age of 21 is that you start to get The Look, especially from people at church. People start to look at you as though something is wrong with you because you’re single. They don’t know any other single people your age, so they can’t set you up, but they feel instinctively that you should know some single people. And not only that, but these mysterious, invisible single people that you should know and be dating should meet a certain laundry list of required characteristics.

For starters, they must absolutely be Christian. It doesn’t matter that they believe, just that they are. They should also be “pure,” meaning virgin. In addition, they shouldn’t drink or smoke. They should be educated, and they should, if at all possible, resemble Freddy Prinze, Jr. the way he looked on She’s All That before he got that weird haircut. They shouldn’t look at porn. Additionally, they should be interested in all the same things you are (so long as none of them are weird. I mean, come on, you can’t expect a hot guy to role play), they should play a sport, they should want to get involved at church, they should want 2.5 children, and they should make a shitload, preferably in pharmaceuticals or some other career that will get you a house in suburbia with a KitchenAid Mixer and that will someday allow them to donate pews with little memorial plaques on. Probably they should sing, too, so that the two of you can get good, front row seats in Heaven. That’s important. You don’t want to be stuck in the back with all the hippies.

The problem with this list, of course, is that not only is it not anything that I want, it is also not anything that is possible to get. Rich, good looking, Christian singers are the boys my inappropriate dreams are made of, it’s true, but at the end of the day, you can’t snuggle with your dreams. And despite what the people who got married at 21 and are now cooking other people’s food might tell you, snuggling is important. I’ll say it: More important than words on pages out of a book that was written (by men, no less) long before I was around to enjoy snuggling. Possibly even more important than a picket fence or pews with little name tags on them, though I never said it.

I’m pseudo-dating a guy right now, and while the “R” word has been dropped, I am still officially single, and yeah, sometimes he annoys me. But at the end of the day, he thinks the stars shine just for me. He would give me the last vanilla cupcake with sprinkles, especially if I pouted, because he hates to see me sad. If that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is. I mean, there are not many I would give up vanilla cupcakes with sprinkles for. He puts up with all my eccentricities (i.e., refusing to do dishes until the counter looks like it will require a hazmat team to clean it up and the fact that my bathroom sink hasn’t drained properly the entire time I’ve known him). However he has two big strikes against him: He doesn’t read, and he’s not a Christian, both of which are incredibly important to me.

Now to be fair, I am the uber-liberal variety of Christian that got myself censored from Craigslist because no one thinks it’s possible to be a liberal Christian. I take the Bible at its word when it says, “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial,” which means that I listen to the first half and take the consequences of the second because life is too damned short not to enjoy it while you’re in your 20s. The odds are high that the kind of guy I am looking for is not out there. I want someone who’s going to push the envelope while still being religious, and I suspect that if that’s what I really want, then what I really want may not be a Christian yet.
I can’t deny that the Bible says not to be unequally yoked, but when it comes to that, I’m not such a good teammate anyway. Maybe it’s time to pull beside someone who at least seems to be going in the same direction for now.

And at the end of the day, if the candidate in question meets all your personal requirements (loyal, owns a Harley, makes good money, cares about his family, worships you and the ground you walk on and probably the mantle and core of the earth beneath where you stand, likes the same geeky things that you like [minus a few key ones that you can win him over on], doesn’t drink [which is better than you’re doing], doesn’t smoke [which is good cause you have asthma], is a virgin [more so than you are], thinks all your personal faults are adorable [even though they aren’t] and just generally makes you feel like a million bucks every time he touches you), then how important is it if he doesn’t meet all of everyone else’s requirements?

And how important is it if he doesn’t meet all of yours? Specifically, if he’s not a Christian, but he’s the closest thing to it you’ve pretty much ever dated even though he doesn’t sing tenor in the choir on Sundays and thinks religion is a waste of time, then do you go with it or dump him on principle? Or do you go with him with glee and resign yourself to heavenly nosebleed seats amongst the hippies?

I’m not sure.

I’m just not sure.

Faith and Questioning Sex

Lately I've been thinking about sex. A lot. No, not in a lusty, "I wonder what it be like to screw Johnny Depp" kind of way (although, that is what I'm thinking about now), but in a philosophical "what does this all mean?" kind of way. In order to avoid mass confusion, I'm going to go ahead and define, for the purposes of this entry, what I mean when I say "sex." Unless I specify otherwise, I am referring to vaginal intercourse. I'll save the "defining sex" debate for another time.

I am, for all technical purposes, a technical virgin, but upon further self-examination I've concluded that there is nothing virginal about me. I'm known for pushing the envelope and bending the rules in many areas of life, and this seems to be no exception. I told a friend of mine recently that I no longer feel I can claim the title of "virgin." "Sure you are," she said "Just change the meaning, like I did." But I can't seem to find it in myself to claim it, partially because I won't pretend to be something I'm not, and partially because I'm not sure the term holds much value to me anymore.

In my last relationship, sex was considered. He wanted it, I wanted it, we were in love, and dammit, he was hands down the hottest guy I'd ever dated (I know that's not a good reason to sleep with someone, but I'm just saying...). In the end I decided against it, mainly because I couldn't shake the feeling that I just might be making a big mistake.

Here's where my faith complicates things. You see, I was always taught that being a good Christian meant waiting until marriage for sex. Even in my slow but steady conversion from conservative to liberal Christianity I've held onto this principal. Then I began to date more seriously. Then I began to question the bible. And now, I'm steeped in confusion.

Will I be doomed to a terrible, unfulfilling marriage someday if I decide not to wait? I know that there are plenty of married people who did not wait who have great marriages, and many who did who are either divorced or miserably sticking it out. I'm not sure I believe that waiting will form the foundation for a strong marriage.

I've been told that sex before marriage will leave you feeling used, guilty, and regretful. In my experience, all of the stuff leading up to sex was amazing, liberating, and I haven't ever felt guilty about it. We (in my last relationship) were very purposeful in making sure that our sexual relationship was in line with our emotional one, and even though we are no longer together neither of us has regrets. So what does that lack of guilt mean? Am I just a bad Christian?

I'm sure that my struggle with this has something-- or everything-- to do with my view of God. Over the past couple of years he has morphed from a generous father-figure into a mean and vindictive supreme being. Everything he does is justified, and suffering needs no reason. He is the God of the Old Testament all over again. And I hate-- HATE-- being told to blindly obey him. Obedience is something I despise in the first place, but being told to unquestioningly obey someone you can't trust is something else entirely. I can't count how many times I have fallen into a dark and scary place, crying out for someone to save me, or at least be with me, and God has not been there. Seriously? I'm supposed to trust him? I'm just supposed to stick to this no sex before marriage thing even though it makes no sense to me?

I do know one thing, and that is that my two sexual experiences outside of a relationship did leave me feeling regretful and guilty. I know that I watch Sex and the City, and I honestly wonder how these women can sleep with so many men and not be dead inside. I know that sex is a big deal, and I don't take it lightly. But that's where I'm at with it.

I know that there are many people who can't relate to this struggle, but I think there are also many who do. I can see how, especially in a non-Christian context, my contemplation may seem like fear and over-analyzation. But here's the deal: there are many elements of Christianity that I have, quite happily, tossed down the drain. For whatever reason, I want to toss the sex issue and I can't. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to settle my uneasiness about it. So I will remain a single woman, clinging to some semblance of the Christian faith, who is sick of everyone else's answers and just wants to find her own. Maybe, hopefully, my answers will come sooner rather than later.

Where'd All the Manly Men Go?

I am dating a sissy. That's right; I said it: A Sissy. I do not say this lightly. I happen to love a man who can talk about his feelings and who enjoys art and maybe a little theatre from time to time. But this guy is not that kind of sissy. He doesn't read, and he hates art and sports for that matter. To make matters worse, he also has no friends. He is the kind of sissy who calls me more than he needs to and gets pissy if he feels that I don't call him enough.

Where is it written that to be in a relationship you have to give up having a life? I have certainly had my days of co-dependency, but I like to think I have grown up since then. I like to go out with the girls and have a beer, talk about our conquests, call the boy toy up for a little swaction (sweet action for those of you who don't know), and move on with my day. It's fine to call me, but I'm not looking to settle down here. I find it weird that he is so eager to settle down with me. And the thing is, if I was a man, this would be completely normal, but since I'm not, I'm the bitch. I should make more time for him. I should re-arrange my whole schedule to suit his neediness.

Right now, I am battling a cold, and he basically told me that if I don't come over tomorrow, he is coming over to see me. Period. I find this irritating. I have a lot of homework due tomorrow by midnight. In addition, I am a bad sick person, and I would very much like to lie on my couch and whine. He will only distract me from this project.

I guess what I really want to know is, what happened to all the manly men? I would love to find the kind of man who would come around, sweep me off my feet once a week, and then go out with the boys on the other nights. I would love to find the kind of man who just wanted to play around for awhile and see what came next. I would love to go on casual dates and see a movie or have dinner here and there. I would love to find a man who didn't whine and cry and piss and moan every time I said I was too busy to see him right this minute. What happened to those men? And do you have to sacrifice class if you find them? For example, the manly man I dated previously had a plastic bull's balls replica hanging from his pick-up truck hitch. Say it with me boys and girls: Mistake.

I guess that in the end, I don't want a guy to throw himself at me, and I wonder how and when it all got so serious. I miss the days when I could go to the movies with a guy, and it didn't automatically mean that I wanted to buy a split level together and have his babies. I wish I had the balls to say "If I'm playing it cool, you play it cool, too. Don't throw yourself at me; it makes you look desperate." I would like to do a little chasing for a change, too.

the Untamed Woman

It has been a year since we broke up, and he is engaged. He, the commitment-hesitant, self-centered, easy-way-out ex of mine, is engaged. And in the end, he didn't choose me. In the end, he didn't love me.

I can rationalize my way out of a lot of things. I'm logical, overly emotional but cognitive to a fault. I know that so many things were lacking in our relationship, I know that I quieted my own needs to an unhealthy level, I know that I deserve someone who doesn't just look at me and say "I guess she'll do." I've accepted that our fate has been written and that we are not meant to be together; and still this voice in my head wonders-- "why wasn't it me?" and all the rationalization in the world can't shut it up.

One Sunday I got my answer in the strangest of ways. I was knee-deep in a Sex and the City marathon that had lasted all weekend. I was finishing disc 3 of season 2 when I watched an episode that tugged at my heart-- so much so that I'm almost ashamed to admit it. In the episode, Carrie is struggling to make peace with the fact that-- after two years of dating Big, he has moved on and is engaged to someone he has only dated for 5 months. "I broke him in" says Carrie, "I broke him in and now someone else gets to ride him."

Eventually Carrie confronts Big, and asks him the question that she believes will help her move on-- why wasn't it me? "I don't know," Big says. "It just got so hard." And Carrie has her answer.

When did we decide that relationships shouldn't be hard, I wonder. When this guy and I broke up, one of his good friends imparted her wisdom to me. "Things were just too hard, too complicated. Love shouldn't be that way, and it's better that you guys aren't together," she said with certainty. Though I am pretty sure she had the best of intentions, I'm also pretty sure that's bullshit.

Take a peek into the dating world and you'll see men, everywhere, who want to put as little into a relationship as possible. Men who want things easy and uncomplicated, with an extra dose of sexual chemistry and very little responsibility. I'm not saying that all men are like this, or that some women aren't either. But I've met countless men who are afraid of the hard work it takes to be in a great relationship.

I'm learning to see my complexity in a fairer light. Being complex doesn't mean that I am unnecessarily dramatic and immature. In reality, I am authentic, confident, and self-assured. I don't play mind games and I am not manipulative. But I am also complicated; I am a collection of mysteries just waiting to be figured out. I'm tired of being told to pretend that I don't have baggage, that I don't have doubts, or that I have it all figured out. The truth is that I'm a lot to take-- I believe that anyone who is truly vulnerable in a relationship can easily overwhelm others with their complexity. But I am also worth it. I am a great girlfriend, a great listener, a great companion. I am unlike any woman you will ever meet. And one day I hope I will meet a man who will not retreat at the sight of my naked, complex vulnerability. One day, I hope I will meet a man who will respond in the same way, a man who will not work towards his own self-preservation but for the preservation of us. A man who is willing to do the work, who is willing to fight for me.

The episode ends with Carrie's conclusion: "Then I had a thought. Maybe I didn't break Big. Maybe the problem was, he couldn't break me. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with."

I move on, wild and untamed. Maybe someday I will find someone with the strength to catch me.