Faith and Questioning Sex

Lately I've been thinking about sex. A lot. No, not in a lusty, "I wonder what it be like to screw Johnny Depp" kind of way (although, that is what I'm thinking about now), but in a philosophical "what does this all mean?" kind of way. In order to avoid mass confusion, I'm going to go ahead and define, for the purposes of this entry, what I mean when I say "sex." Unless I specify otherwise, I am referring to vaginal intercourse. I'll save the "defining sex" debate for another time.

I am, for all technical purposes, a technical virgin, but upon further self-examination I've concluded that there is nothing virginal about me. I'm known for pushing the envelope and bending the rules in many areas of life, and this seems to be no exception. I told a friend of mine recently that I no longer feel I can claim the title of "virgin." "Sure you are," she said "Just change the meaning, like I did." But I can't seem to find it in myself to claim it, partially because I won't pretend to be something I'm not, and partially because I'm not sure the term holds much value to me anymore.

In my last relationship, sex was considered. He wanted it, I wanted it, we were in love, and dammit, he was hands down the hottest guy I'd ever dated (I know that's not a good reason to sleep with someone, but I'm just saying...). In the end I decided against it, mainly because I couldn't shake the feeling that I just might be making a big mistake.

Here's where my faith complicates things. You see, I was always taught that being a good Christian meant waiting until marriage for sex. Even in my slow but steady conversion from conservative to liberal Christianity I've held onto this principal. Then I began to date more seriously. Then I began to question the bible. And now, I'm steeped in confusion.

Will I be doomed to a terrible, unfulfilling marriage someday if I decide not to wait? I know that there are plenty of married people who did not wait who have great marriages, and many who did who are either divorced or miserably sticking it out. I'm not sure I believe that waiting will form the foundation for a strong marriage.

I've been told that sex before marriage will leave you feeling used, guilty, and regretful. In my experience, all of the stuff leading up to sex was amazing, liberating, and I haven't ever felt guilty about it. We (in my last relationship) were very purposeful in making sure that our sexual relationship was in line with our emotional one, and even though we are no longer together neither of us has regrets. So what does that lack of guilt mean? Am I just a bad Christian?

I'm sure that my struggle with this has something-- or everything-- to do with my view of God. Over the past couple of years he has morphed from a generous father-figure into a mean and vindictive supreme being. Everything he does is justified, and suffering needs no reason. He is the God of the Old Testament all over again. And I hate-- HATE-- being told to blindly obey him. Obedience is something I despise in the first place, but being told to unquestioningly obey someone you can't trust is something else entirely. I can't count how many times I have fallen into a dark and scary place, crying out for someone to save me, or at least be with me, and God has not been there. Seriously? I'm supposed to trust him? I'm just supposed to stick to this no sex before marriage thing even though it makes no sense to me?

I do know one thing, and that is that my two sexual experiences outside of a relationship did leave me feeling regretful and guilty. I know that I watch Sex and the City, and I honestly wonder how these women can sleep with so many men and not be dead inside. I know that sex is a big deal, and I don't take it lightly. But that's where I'm at with it.

I know that there are many people who can't relate to this struggle, but I think there are also many who do. I can see how, especially in a non-Christian context, my contemplation may seem like fear and over-analyzation. But here's the deal: there are many elements of Christianity that I have, quite happily, tossed down the drain. For whatever reason, I want to toss the sex issue and I can't. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to settle my uneasiness about it. So I will remain a single woman, clinging to some semblance of the Christian faith, who is sick of everyone else's answers and just wants to find her own. Maybe, hopefully, my answers will come sooner rather than later.