the Untamed Woman

It has been a year since we broke up, and he is engaged. He, the commitment-hesitant, self-centered, easy-way-out ex of mine, is engaged. And in the end, he didn't choose me. In the end, he didn't love me.

I can rationalize my way out of a lot of things. I'm logical, overly emotional but cognitive to a fault. I know that so many things were lacking in our relationship, I know that I quieted my own needs to an unhealthy level, I know that I deserve someone who doesn't just look at me and say "I guess she'll do." I've accepted that our fate has been written and that we are not meant to be together; and still this voice in my head wonders-- "why wasn't it me?" and all the rationalization in the world can't shut it up.

One Sunday I got my answer in the strangest of ways. I was knee-deep in a Sex and the City marathon that had lasted all weekend. I was finishing disc 3 of season 2 when I watched an episode that tugged at my heart-- so much so that I'm almost ashamed to admit it. In the episode, Carrie is struggling to make peace with the fact that-- after two years of dating Big, he has moved on and is engaged to someone he has only dated for 5 months. "I broke him in" says Carrie, "I broke him in and now someone else gets to ride him."

Eventually Carrie confronts Big, and asks him the question that she believes will help her move on-- why wasn't it me? "I don't know," Big says. "It just got so hard." And Carrie has her answer.

When did we decide that relationships shouldn't be hard, I wonder. When this guy and I broke up, one of his good friends imparted her wisdom to me. "Things were just too hard, too complicated. Love shouldn't be that way, and it's better that you guys aren't together," she said with certainty. Though I am pretty sure she had the best of intentions, I'm also pretty sure that's bullshit.

Take a peek into the dating world and you'll see men, everywhere, who want to put as little into a relationship as possible. Men who want things easy and uncomplicated, with an extra dose of sexual chemistry and very little responsibility. I'm not saying that all men are like this, or that some women aren't either. But I've met countless men who are afraid of the hard work it takes to be in a great relationship.

I'm learning to see my complexity in a fairer light. Being complex doesn't mean that I am unnecessarily dramatic and immature. In reality, I am authentic, confident, and self-assured. I don't play mind games and I am not manipulative. But I am also complicated; I am a collection of mysteries just waiting to be figured out. I'm tired of being told to pretend that I don't have baggage, that I don't have doubts, or that I have it all figured out. The truth is that I'm a lot to take-- I believe that anyone who is truly vulnerable in a relationship can easily overwhelm others with their complexity. But I am also worth it. I am a great girlfriend, a great listener, a great companion. I am unlike any woman you will ever meet. And one day I hope I will meet a man who will not retreat at the sight of my naked, complex vulnerability. One day, I hope I will meet a man who will respond in the same way, a man who will not work towards his own self-preservation but for the preservation of us. A man who is willing to do the work, who is willing to fight for me.

The episode ends with Carrie's conclusion: "Then I had a thought. Maybe I didn't break Big. Maybe the problem was, he couldn't break me. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with."

I move on, wild and untamed. Maybe someday I will find someone with the strength to catch me.