Beware of men carrying red flags

It’s the age of online dating, folks. It may not be fair to say that “everyone’s doing it,” but a lot of people certainly are. No longer are e-personals solely reserved for 40-year-old men still living with their mothers. As the stigma slowly fades, more and more people seem to be eagerly seeking the convenience and sense of control that online dating seems to offer. But as with many approaches to the mating and dating game, there are a few pitfalls too. So in the interest of weeding through the pervs and narcissists, here it is: my unofficial, unscientific guide to avoiding creeps in the world of online dating.

• A screenname, or handle, is one of the first things displayed on your profile. Screennames like texasboy23 or music_is_life are nice and neutral. Try to avoid guys with screennames such as hornyman2000, sex_u_up, or vaginamuncher (I swear this is one I actually came across once). Also steer clear of any guys with “pimp” in their handle. Seriously, if a guy can’t make something as simple as his screenname non-sexual, he probably thinks with something other than his brain.

• It’s always nice to see the goods before you test-drive them. A picture is a good way to decide whether or not there is attraction, because for better or for worse it does matter. Men who post pictures of themselves shirtless should be avoided at all costs. I don’t really care if you have great abs, and I don’t really want to see them. Actually, the fact that you have no humility whatsoever makes me want to beat you with sharp objects. Enough said.

• This could just be me, but I believe it should be a standard for all women. Men who post things in their profile description such as “I’m just a typical guy” or “I would describe myself as average” should not be allowed to stay within the realm of consideration. I’m certainly not looking for a guy who thinks he’s fan-freaking-tabulous, but who wants average? You might as well add “dull” and “mediocre” to the list for all I care. At least be interesting.

• Other eliminators include mustaches (because I don’t want to date you if you look like a porn star from 1972), men who insist on saying “baby” or “angel” a lot (you don’t know me, you have no right to shower cheesy endearments on me), and guys with barbed-wire or kanji symbol tattoos (this means you’re trendy, and would probably would have bought me trendy things like giga pets and beanie babies in 1997, and that’s just unoriginal).

At the very least, online dating can provide one with the opportunity to meet some interesting people. Just beware, because for every decent man, there may just be 4 other sex-obsessed, self-absorbed, hopelessly average men with tasteless tattoos waiting for your email.