Like most single women, I have no fewer than two ugly bridesmaid dresses hanging in my closet. I have been three times a bridesmaid (never a bride), and I swear to God that I will never do it again. I understand that most married/engaged people will insist that this makes me a bastard. That's easy to say from their end of the aisle. They never have to do it again. I believe three times is quite enough, thank you. Anyone who asks me is getting turned down.
Despite my heartfelt conversations with all of my friends about never wanting to be in another wedding (pre-engagement, of course), they nevertheless continue to ask me to be the maid of honor. I do not capitalize this because I do not feel it is any particular honor, particularly after the last bridezilla told me that our other friend (who was too busy drinking to be aware of half the wedding and did none of the prep) was her best friend (on the day of the wedding).
I feel that brides are bitches. I don't care that it is their day. It is not their six months, yet they continue to act like it is. For months prior to the wedding, it consumes every conversation (and the conversations all cease once the blessed event has occurred), and hundreds of dollars worth of my hard-earned money. I spent nearly $1,000 on the last one, which I feel is excessive for anyone's special day, particularly someone who now has a new, and married I might add, best friend and little to no time to talk to me.
Because that's the thing, isn't it? Off the newly-wed goes into her club of married women where they look down on those of us who only have to wash one person's laundry, and all we get is an ugly dress. They get tax breaks, even though there's two of them, and fancy silver, and pretty china. I get the same ugly dress in several different shades.
I'm selling the dress, I've decided, as soon as I get it dry cleaned. I feel this is a wise move, especially because we are coming up on prom. Everyone when they see it says, "Ooo, you could even wear this to something else!" Never mind that I attend no event formal enough to require such a dress. Who re-uses bridesmaid dresses? Has anyone ever worn one a second time? Has anyone out there ever done something interesting with one? Perhaps made a kite from it?
If I get married someday (and that's a big "if"), I'm asking bridezilla to be my maid of honor, and I am going to torture her in every way that she tortured me. Either that, or I'm going to keep it nice and simple and get married at the courthouse. I'll cough up money for a photographer. Me and my party will wear jeans. I will have no maid of honor because I'm not into servants. It will be lovely, and no one will have to listen to one more butchered rendition of "The Wedding Song."
In the meantime, the dress hangs in my closet, taunting me because I know exactly how much money I paid to wear it a total of once. I cringe a little every time I think of the IPod I might have had if I had just said no.
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