The Ex-Files

It’s been quite a week in the world of entertainment news. Britney shaved her head, Anna Nicole Smith’s bizarre life and death became even more bizarre, and, oh yeah-- my ex-boyfriend emailed me.

Why is this news? Because folks, I really thought this chapter in my life was over. To give some background, things didn’t end well. He dumped me, twice. And he broke my heart more times than I can count. He’s been inconsistent, unreliable, and generally unstable for most of the time that I’ve known him. And what do I do? Every time he decides that he needs me, I am there for him, regardless of the fact that I know he will run away and hurt me again.

I can’t help it. Logic tells me to delete his emails, and in fact, it was logic that lead me to attempt to cut off contact with him a few months ago. But logic doesn’t really resonate in my heart, and in my heart, for whatever reason, I really care for this messed-up semblance of a man. And regardless of the fact that I’m not giving him another go at a relationship while he still has so many issues, he still has the power to hurt me. And regardless of the fact that he holds this power, I can’t just decide that I don’t care about him. So in the end logic seems irrelevant, though it probably serves a wonderfully useful purpose.

So I’m holding my breath, closing my eyes, and jumping into a pool full of pins and needles hoping that, by some miracle, it will turn into water by the time I get there. I know that it wont. I know that it will hurt when I land. But I am predictable, and I will patch up all of my wounds (which will complement the scabs and scars already there, of course), and I will go stand by the diving board and wait to jump in again. It sounds twisted and dysfunctional, and by all means, it is. But I just keep hoping that someday I’ll hit water.

“As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.” --the Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum